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World-at-peace

I'm Happy. :)
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Welp, I'm a little new to this sort of thing, but thought I'd join in! :D Dear Hyperkaoru13 :iconhyperkaoru13: (a.k.a the artist I'd like to flipping marry because she is so unforgivably thoughtful and talented and awesomesauce :love: :iconemoteclapping1plz::iconemoteclapping2plz: ) shared some of my work on her journal page so I thought I'd do likewise.

The rules of this game are that I share three (THREE?! JUST THREE?! WHERE THE FARKING BUMWARK DO YOU GET OFF WITH THAT I SWEAR TO PIE) of her many impressive works on my journal page. I'll add a little description of each piece too, just so that I can blither on about her adorable art-style (and I can for hours).

How do I use this techomology, I swear to....*Grumbles* :( Hmmm. Unfortunately, I'm having some trouble getting the pictures themselves on the page....

3.) (Hetalia Doujin) Roommate (Sufin) by Hyperkaoru13

This is a really, really hard decision here, folks. Especially considering there's a wide range of things, such as regular art, doujinshi, and comic pieces in HyperK's work. But Hyperkaoru is a story teller as well as an artist, and I love her ability to incorporate both in this adorable cartoon of Finland and Sweden. :iconsqueeeplz: Sometimes her comics are bitterly poignant, sometimes (such as in this case) they're too adorable and silly (if you're a Psycho fan and a proponent of kitty love, I'd check out a verrry interesting comic she made....;), and more often than not they melt you into a pleasant pile of goo.

Ah, dear, socially blunt and darling Berwald. Talk to a customer for a moment or two and decide to marry him. O_o The chibi-style makes me want to flail stubby little hands and start dancing. :heart: :iconfurrycuddle3plz:

2.) (Hetalia) Brother Knows Best : RusAme vs UKUS by Hyperkaoru13

Is this shameless self-promotion? YES. BUT WE LOVES IT SO MUCH WE CAN'T STANDS IT, PRECIOUS. :icongollumplz: This is another great example of storytelling, only instead of using any dialogue HyperK uses a thousand words with this drawing here. The texture is warm (even if the story gets progressively colder) and the expressions definitely do the characters justice. I hngg a lot over HyperK's work, but this one is definitely one of my favorites because it's...flipping cute and flipping scary all at once. Arthur LOOKS MEAN. He is a grumpy, clingy sort of big bro...he kind of does his clinging in a cat-digs-its-claws-into-you-sort-of-fashion. Let's face it: He's not a nice guy. But you root for him anyway and feel a little weirded out by it afterwards. Alfred just looks...so happy and bubbly and free, and the fact that he's holding Ivan's hand gives a glimpse of symbolism here that makes me shamelessly flail like the shameless nut I am. A lot of who these guys are is in their posture and facial expressions, all of which are beautifully animated and make me very happy. Much love and gratitude, my friend. :happycry:

1.) :winner: TIE (Hetalia Doujin) Psycho (Russia/America) by Hyperkaoru13

(Hetalia) Dating Game : Answer A (Russia) by Hyperkaoru13

Okay, so I cheated. Whatever, dude. In my defense, there are four categories, not three. Because the latter is in a game series which is really, really adorable and fun! :D I've never played Dating games before and NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM LE MISSING. Plus, it was RUSSIA. Adorkable, sweet Russia, whom HyperK likes making look like a freaking cherub, for crying out loud. But man, if I really got the chance to go out with Ivan Braginski....! Then again, I can also very much accept his going for a slice of American pie. :pie:

Warning: This game will either make you cry or give you a cavity or both. :D It's really fun, kind of like a "choose your own ending" storybook. I like this! :iconsuperheroglompplz:  

Number 2. Warning: If you do not like le gay (and I respectively note not all my readers do), do not look into this. It's not hardcore stuff by any means, but it definitely makes your heart hitch somewhere in your throat.

It's very nicely done, looks totally legit (because it is) and starts out with an adorable wittle kitty. :D Thankfully, HyperK and I both adore kitties, so we get along very well on that front! I sadly feel the compulsion to put at least one in almost every story, because I love Nekotalia so much....:iconkatlaplz:

Huh? Oh. Well, this piece starts out pretty sweetly, with Vodka (dark fuzzums who will melt your heart and soul with cuteness) giving Alfred a hug. :heart: Seriously, you get diabetes right then and there. But Ivan starts....getting weird. I'm the writer, but there is NO TIME I see this and my mouth doesn't go dry. Because Alfred just looks so innocently befuddled, and Ivan shows a glimpse of something really, really bad. I have to go hide underneath my bed now. :iconrussiandrinkingplz:

So thank you, my dear, for being only too wickedly kind to me. :hug: :iconbatterylaplz: :iconcomposerlaplz: :iconguitarlaplz: :iconlabeatplz: :iconladrumplz: :iconlaplayplz: :iconlarockplz: Bless you.

And for you, an excerpt. Crown of Stars is in tatters, I'm afraid-a lot of my work is-:(-but here is a piece.

The rain had stopped sometime during the night, and was soon replaced by a crisp, pleasant breeze. Russia tilted his head back slightly and smiled, closing his eyes as the wind ran through his white hair like so many tender little fingers.
How the French or English could think this weather freezing, he could never know. Russia shook his head and chuckled softly to himself. More likely than not, they had gotten spoiled on their damp, muggy land.
Mounted atop his white horse, Russia watched as his men quickly and quietly repacked their tents, preparing to march once again. This time, they were heading back towards the bay—thankfully, their travels had lead them back to the coast, so it would only take a few hours' march to get to the boats. Russia would have liked to have left under the cover of darkness, but it would be too late by then; the English and French must almost certainly be aware by now that Russian forces had America. Russia had called role an hour ago only to discover a few heads were missing; he guessed that a few Russian soldiers had defected, or at least had been killed and replaced by infiltrating English or French spies.  
They had to get out. Today. Right now.  
When Ivan had gone into the wood that morning to wash up, he'd heard no shouts of French and English soldiers hurling insults at one another, nor did he hear any rifle fire.
Just birds singing softly. Ergo, the soldiers were getting ready to attack.
Russia sighed and glanced down fondly at the small boy in his arms, still sound asleep. The physician had given America a sleeping draft normally given to soldiers in need of a good operation, and the boy still slept soundly, much to Russia's relief. Even the hustle and bustle of soldiers and the thudding of horseshoes on the ground had not been enough to wake him. He wondered if the boy had truly been given a powerful dosage of the potion, or if America was just a really, really sound sleeper. Perhaps both.
The Russian moved his large, pale fingertips lightly over the child's brow, brushing the blond strands. Already the scratches on his body looked better, were starting to fade away. Ivan was pleased. He pressed his lips against his temple.
"Dobroye utro, zaichick," he said gently. "Good morning, little rabbit."
America made no reply. Russia turned over America in his arms before tucking him back in beneath his furs. America, he decided, was very much like the strange little yellow bird he'd one glimpsed in the treetops, chirping a pleasant song to itself as it stared down the curious Russians with beady little eyes.
"How is he, general?"
Russia glanced up; the mousy-looking soldier who had brought news of America was now addressing him at a respectful distance, his eyes on his interlocked fingers. "I…hope he will not catch cold."
"You realize what must be done?" Russia asked, the smile fading from his voice. "You have spoken to him?"
Toris looked nervous, but simply nodded.
"Da. God go with you, sir," he said, as Ivan whistled and the soldiers flew into position, running into their assigned lines immediately. Toris closed his eyes and quickly made the sign of the cross. "God go with all of us."


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Back at GSU....received many baking tools for holiday present. Room is a mess again, and have started new classes. Like last Spring semester, am slipping off and am unwilling to do much of anything. :( Need and want a job, but my own cowardice keeps stopping me dead when the rest of the world is moving by, warming up to the threshold of Spring (Though Georgia weather and, from what I hear of it, everywhere else lately is seriously bipolar). Seeing Jeremy again, no purging problems for the past few weeks, have a new roommate, a young woman from France. She's quiet and spends much time to herself and with the other foreign exchange/study abroad students, but she's kind and I bet it's not easy getting settled after you've lived in Paris and London for a number of years-and then come to a place like Southern.

After three years of longing, I gave in and bought myself a cosplay costume-Belarus's. It's due to arrive in a couple of weeks. It's a treat that I don't deserve, but want desperately.

Almost went to a job fair, which I scoffed at because I figured it would be one of those places where businesses vaguely talked of openings and watched in amusement as college students tore each other to pieces over an opening. I was actually AT THE DOOR of the ballroom where it was being held and realized that business casual dress was required-and I was wearing my ripped jeans, the ones my aunt would probably flambe if I let her.

My roommate Rachael went and got not one but two jobs. Ouch. I feel like Charlie Brown. Charlotte Brown. Whichever. But Charlie Brown's not so bad in that he at least tries again (usually, if he works up the nerve to try to begin with). I'm not sure if he even ever tells the little red-haired girl that he likes her....after fifty years. Shame.

Got to thinking about the dear old blockhead today during math (Yes, to the dears who know me, I am aware of the irony in this statement) and mused about him afterward when I went grocery shopping. Charlie Brown has a girlfriend in the later comics-a little girl named Peggy Jean, one of the few characters that truly likes him (despite the fact that he's so nervous upon greeting her he accidentally names himself Brownie Charles). He agonizes how to tell her he has feelings for her, wallowing in his own fears and sense of self-worthlessness. In the end, it's the ideal situation for old Chuck, because Peggy Jean admits to liking Charlie Brown and kisses him. Elated, he calls Linus later on with the good news (he met Peggy Jean at summer camp) and Linus blankly asks CB about the little red-haired girl he's 'always going on about.' Charlie just asks: "Who?"

Interestingly enough, Charlie Brown's first love was based off a girl Charles Schultz was in love with, one he wanted to propose to but chose someone else over him. Sadness. They remained good friends for the rest of their lives, however. Gladness. :)

But Peggy Jean initially left camp because of a misunderstanding, and CB didn't do anything to rectify it. Maybe he had no way of contacting her-the kid's like what, eight?-but he probably just didn't do anything about it other than be miserable. After all, he's always been the kid picked last, the kid who gets rocks instead of candy and no valentines. Why is that? Why can't the poor boy get wise to Lucy's antics and accept the fact that she won't let him kick the damn football?

In the end, like most puppy loves, it doesn't last. Charlie Brown goes to visit Peggy Jean and discovers she has a boyfriend. Heartbroken, he calls up the one true friend he has: A dog that doesn't even know his name.

It's a running gag in Peanuts that Charlie Brown is incredibly wishy-washy, very vanilla (favorite flavor too) and generally uncertain of himself. He hallucinates about having a pretty girl named Emily ask him to dance with him, and another running gag is that he despondently asks himself questions in the dead of night, rarely getting a good answer beyond: "You have a dog...be happy!"

Charlie Brown will forever be eight, has been eight for over sixty years. He'll forever keep hope that his team will win a game (they do, ironically because of a girl who falls in love with Chuck), and lives a simple life with a not-so-simple dog that happens to be a WWI flying ace (among many other entities) and a lazy sister that often enjoys driving him up the wall. Despite Lucy haranguing him or being lonely or getting baseball rashes on his head or winding up in the hospital, he invariably pulls out to live and muse another day, living and not-living, forever young. Sometimes, I'm glad of that, as I'm not sure what would become of him. Then I feel bad for him, and then I remember he's just ink and I'm a dork. Still...

If Charlie Brown went to college and met a girl he cared about, would he approach her? Unless he changes, he's likely alone. I don't care so much about being alone, but the self-imposed isolation is sad. Would he meet a Charlotte Brown who likes vanilla and sunsets the way he does and brings a small token of meaning in his woulda-coulda-shoulda life?

If not love, would he be satisfied with what he is? What does he want to be beyond a baseball player? What does he want beyond someone to call him 'Flash' or 'Poor, Sweet Baby' on bad days (which makes his peers crack up)? CB probably wants nothing more than to just feel reasonably happy and accomplished with his life, but is he just a J. Alfred Prufrock in the making?

He was the subject in a poem I read for a World Liter

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.


Sometimes, very usually when I'm debating what I want to eat, I stop on the road and stare blankly about myself. The smallest of decisions-do I want to buy this it's too early if I buy this now I'll just want to eat more I deserve it I'm not that hungry but I want to eat I should study I should go to the gym I should clean my room I should look up schools- leads me contemplating a thousand others, and I don't want to consider any of them. I finally settle on a menu I've had a thousand times before, not without some shame.

But I do it anyway, because at least I'm not purging. Maybe it's the things in life that we haven't done that make us proud, to an extent. I never cheated on a girlfriend. I never stole from a store. I never lied to my child. I never...I never.... Because there's always going to be someone in a worse place than us, someone who had beaten his mother or done something equally abominable and we're allowed a grim sense of satisfaction, sort of like the one we feel when we hear: You poor thing, and wonder aloud how we deal with our lives because they sure as hell couldn't.

I have the opportunities thousands would give a leg for.

And I'm still SO AFRAID.

At least, at least, at least. At least we're not so bad, compared to that. At least there's always time to change, maybe sometime tomorrow.

How wonderful it is that no one need wait a second to make the world a better place. -Anne Frank.

Don't wait. Just do. The natural spring water.  

In the room the women come and go        
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair-


Standing amongst strangers in polite silence, thinking of a thousand things to say; look, look, there's a pause at last! But someone spoke over you just a second ago-whatever time you had to say something clever or witty is gone. And besides, it's something spiteful anyhow, so  

Just leave.

There is nothing here for you.

In Prufrock's poem, he's essentially just...there. Afraid to break out of routine. Afraid still to get his heart broken.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,      
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"—        
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
 Should say: "That is not what I meant at all;
 That is not it, at all."


Let me hide, I don't have to think about it, I'm not ready, it's not a big deal. Let me slip into fantasy and not have to consider it.

I hate being responsible for my own unhappiness. According to a counselor or a teacher or a loved one, there's always been someone I could point the finger at, even if I felt I never could. My grandmother. The kids at school. My brother. My sister. Some jackass.

But now, while I no longer feel the sadness that made Freshman year so difficult, I'm not living. Yet I'm thawing to some degree: I've enlisted in an alternative spring break program in Selma, Alabama and hope to work hard and well.

Water.

Typical science experiment: What does a plant respond to the best? Carbonated sugar? Peanut butter? Oil? Juice? No, it's always clear and simple water that's the saving grace. And it's hard, but it feels nice, in the rare occasion I get my head out of my ass and just do.

Doing is living. In that way, I become free, wherever I am. That's why I felt a dim sense of accomplishment most nights I came back from play practice last year.

I want to do. I want to smile more. But I think I've finally come to the point where I've realized that wanting isn't enough anymore.

I have to go out and find it.

In Illinois, the temporary job as a caretaker awaits for me if I should choose to take it....the opportunity to begin again with a major that is truly appealing to me-Library Science-in a familiar yet new environment filled with old and new faces. It's not a decision that's made lightly, but I need to grow, and that's just not what I'm doing here in the land of sun and booze.

This isn't going to be easy. Not in the slightest. I don't know where in the world to begin, and it is scary, tar-like. It's a dangerous business, going out your door.

All the same, I feel better now, though it is late, I am sitting in front of the television as my roommates watch people being torn apart (have half-written maybe a dozen journal entries and been unsatisfied with them all), and my room is still a mess.

Much love to my long-suffering readers.

-Lauren
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Red Stones

21 min read
Sometime during the summer, I started having migraines. Sometime in early October, they came back with a vengeance for a few weeks, and after I accidentally hit my head this Sunday, they resurfaced again. :( This time, they're sharper than normal, and for whatever reason, only hurt the right side of my head. I went to the doctor's a couple weeks ago for a head CT, but the results came back normal. Talked to my aunt-I'm very glad I have a biology teacher in the family!-who said I ought to see a neurologist and instructed me to start keeping a diary. She thinks I might have a migraine disorder, which runs in the family. I'm afraid I'm a little intolerant in terms of pain...I used twelve ibuprofen yesterday (very, very not smart), so am glad to note that today, I only had two. Drank a lot of water, had some peppermint tea, and massages help keep it at bay.

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The holidays are coming....it's very strange to hear songs like 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' when it's mildly chilly out and the grass is still green in some places. Just because I have to nitpick, I don't think Georgia falls are quite so lovely as the ones in the North, but they certainly last much longer. Red and brown leaves are tumbling off the trees now, and the trees at Sweetheart Circle (a little park of sorts in the center of the university) are being covered with lights. In the student union, you can find wreaths and trees decorated with blue and silver baubles.

Week after next, I take my exams. I'm going to have to study hard for Economics, but pray that my professor lets me through. Last year I most unfortunately failed Geology Lab even after giving it my all for the final...I think it was too little too late, or maybe my professor was just a Scrooge (Or I was just lazy, as I am often when I'm faced with challenging course material). I never want to fail a class again. The idea is terrifying, and whilst this might make me sound like a goody-two shoes, I rarely ever study. ^^;

Ashley is going to Peru in a couple of weeks with Alvaro and Luca. She and Alvaro have decided not to find out the baby's gender, though Ashley is fairly certain it's a boy again. I think we find out in the middle of Springtime next year...

It's quiet this evening. 'O Holy Night' is playing on my laptop and I'm sitting in a room not normally occupied in our house. I sort of like it; it's identical to the rest of the rooms in the dorm, excepting the fact that it's clean.

I think I'm becoming a bit of a shut-in....tonight, I was supposed to go to a little game night hosted by an acquaintance's christian sorority group. But I canceled last minute, was dreading the prospect for much of my empty day. Only two classes....so much space today. I'm not sure whether or not I like it; by now it should certainly be a no-brainer that too much spare time for anyone isn't a good thing.

This year, I auditioned for the school's Fall production, a play called The Triangle Factory Fire, which was in fact, based on The Triangle Factory Fire that took place during the Gilded Age. I played a young woman named Margaret Schwartz (based on an actual person), around whom the play was centered on, and a Judge named Schwartz. I'd never been in a production before and wasn't certain what to expect, but now I can say this with certainty: actresses are divas. :p But I think most if not all were kind, and the male cast was full of very genial and witty (if not light in their loafers) gentlemen. :D Every night from 7:30-10:30 we'd practice, and it felt good to be needed someplace. I don't want to be a needy person (more so than I am), but I hope desperately that I make it into either of the productions coming next year. When I signed up and saw the host of names already on the sign-up sheet, I actually got very nasty and competitive in my head; We'll just see if I'll let you take my spot. :( I really disappointed myself. But nonetheless, as soon as I got back to my place, I feverishly started looking up funny jokes because one of the auditions asked that we be able to do improv.

Auditions are next week. Last time I auditioned, I did it with a sort of resigned 'probably won't make it, but will do my best' sort of vibe. Now, the mantra is more along the lines of: I must get a part. I must, must, must, must. I don't care what it is. Please.

I think I had a Black Swan moment-am still having one, though it doesn't seem likely that I'll lose my mind achieving perfection in the distant future. Perfection? Nah. Losing my mind? Always a bit probable.

You know, this is a brief break, but I'm kind of annoying myself. All my journal entries are about me, me, me.

Speaking of me (and like many people, I do love to rant on about me), I wonder where this almost manic, fiery competitiveness comes from. Whenever I participate in writing contests for example, it's a very go-hard or go-home sort of thing for me, when a great deal of the time I have CCLS, or Couldn't Care Less Syndrome. Is this me? Not me, but what someone's projected on me? I've noticed with some sadness that my personality changes just a little (or just a lot) depending on whom I call guardian. Technically I'm an adult now, but Star claims me as hers, and Julia noted that I might be taking on some of her neurotic tendencies. :( Obviously it's not Star's fault, mine, but it makes me feel sad. When I lived with my grandmother, I was a very quiet, subservient sort of person, and when I lived with Julia, I became much more outgoing and likely to speak my mind. More focused, less concerned with putting on a puppet show. Now that I reside with Star-and again, it is not my aunt's fault in the slightest-I think I'm becoming a more frenzied, bulletin-version of myself.

Star is always making grand and long lists that are never fully accomplished, loves to keep moving every second of the day until she collapses in bed at ten or eleven. If she's not grading papers or running errands, she's in the classroom or at yoga, or acting as the quintessential soccer mom. She gives me numerous lists of ways I can improve myself, and granted, I definitely need some improving, I think my natural response to just to slink and hide away, which is not very good. At all.

I'm afraid that I'm becoming meaner, more careless and "any-means goes" sort of person. Lazier too-dunno how many people will like me after I've admitted this, but I've cheated on tests. :( Feel grossly ashamed. When can I live without shame or guilt knocking on the door?

I don't know what me is. It doesn't matter as much as I'm insinuating, I'm sure, but it still scares me just a little.

When we met over the summer, my dear friend introduced me to a phrase she called "putting on your church mind." People at the Bible Conference we were at were all full of happy warm marshmallow fluff and full of good words about God and cherry pie and whathaveyou. But, my friend mused, this might be the result of people putting on their church thoughts-after all, everyone here only sees each other once a year or so, and it's time to dust off the good book and be happy, which I think accentuates a person's spirituality. Of course, I'm sure these people cared about each other, shared a common goal, but people are much less likely to put their church clothes around someone they become quite familiar with. For example, you might date a man named Rob and call him honey pie or sweetie and pinch his cheeks and talk nicey-nice to him, and ten years later when you're hitched with two screaming kids, you might call out to Rob as you scrub the dirty dishes, "Hey, dumbass, get yer *&^%ing feet off the table before I *&^%ing smack you upside the head with this old halibut!"

I wonder how much of us is church thoughts? I'm certain it varies; I'm probably a much nicer person on paper than I am in, well, y'know, person. What sort of identities do we feel we most want people to see, to believe about us?

Regardless, I think most people operate on the need for love, so without thinking much of what "they" are-the "self" might just feel a sandwich munching concept watching TV-and work on stitching together something nice from the prettier parts of themselves.

I wonder what my garment looks like?

Sort of wish I knew where I fit in. I don't want to be simply divided into one category; I don't want to be that narrow-minded or that simple, although I suspect I'm becoming a lot more so these days. There's a part of me that wants the familiar safety of an old church with old rites and old ideas. Things that I don't agree with but still make me feel instinctively safe and belonged, even when I'm bumping elbows with strangers. At the same time, I don't want the memories of what once was and I just want to stay off the sidelines in the Agnostic party.

And yet how much of this really matters? I mean, really matters? You've probably stopped caring lines ago. I sort have. It's not really so pressing. Religion doesn't necessarily define a person, and in the cases I've seen it do so, the results are freaking scary.

What do I want to be? What do I want to do with myself? I feel as if I had no contact from anyone in my family for a year and went off to live in a foreign country-Wheretheheckistan-I'd come back a completely different person. Maybe then I'd have no choice but to determine what "me" is.

I'm afraid to decorate my messy room. Because that, in an abstract way, is making a "self," and I'm afraid in my darkest heart of hearts that I have no self. I'm pliable, like clay, willing to be almost anything to be loved.

There are some core things: I want to do good. I want to help people. I love Mary-oniichan, Shii-nii, Harmony, the gracious people who leave me notes and encourage me to go on.

I feel as if if I had a job, if I were earning my own income and had a bit more structure to my life, I'd be a much happier, kinder and more thoughtful person. I'd certainly be more efficient, perhaps less guilty. How much of myself would I be able to stuff inside my dirty closet, keep it tightly shut in? I don't want to take out my old clothes, don't want to patch them or try removing

I feel empty. How much of me is me? I want to lead a pure existence; I like reading stories about same-sex couples. I wholly believe that people of any orientation should be allowed to be wed (and I apologize if I cause any offense to my readers), but I've never been able to fully put myself at ease with the idea that gay relations are okay with God. I want them to be. Maybe it's just mine growing up Mormon, but I've never been able to ignore the itch in my heart that says no.

This makes me sad.

I feel like I bring shame to myself and my family for not more thoroughly grasping life by the horns, but maybe that's just Star's ideas projected onto me. Her youngest daughter is a perfectionist-in-training, in theater, working part-time at a five star restaurant, in chorus, in soccer. All at once. It sounds like a terribly exciting existence, if not rather exhausting. Lea has a job in California and remains a slender vegetarian who is fabulously smart in school and exudes a glow of 'right life.' I have a healthy social circle, I am polite and friendly, I am healthy and work out regularly. What is "right life?" And why is Lea the sort of person I'd almost like to hate if there was a way I possibly could?

I'm angrier these days, feel more entitled. Do less. I want the opposite of all these. I want to feel okay with my life and not shirk from it; at the same time, I don't necessarily want to be a powerhouse like Tia.

The victories that we have despite the fact that we ARE indeed dumbasses or grew up in families where heartbreak was the norm-aren't these precious too?  

Star, I think, has a battered heart. For all of my father's family's good fortune, the sad streak of Alcoholism and Unhappiness seems to underline so much of the bloodline. Grampa was addicted to alcohol; so much of his brain damage came as a result of his being drunk and falling. Granny is a recovering alcoholic, drinks diet coke at all family events and brings the alcohol-free wine to dinners. My mother was an alcoholic, as most Huntington's patients are. My father was a drug addict, in rehab when I was born. Divorce is prevalent, and lots of dark secrets I wasn't privy to until I was older-many I'm likely never to know.

And yet Star was the non-crazy one in her family; even when Grampa lay on the floor in a stupor or when her mother would fly off the deep end or her brother do something awful, she was pretty (is still pretty), productive. She could hide in her room, suntan in Ecuador when it was safe to go outside. I think she hurried into a marriage, left after two years and married a young man who would later become a very successful pediatrician. She had three glowing young girls, a stable job, was a stable soccer mom who brought cupcakes to school and hosted parties and did all the society mom's whatever the hell it is stuff.

Twenty years later, Eric found someone new and Star's world came crashing down. It wasn't simply an end to her marriage, but an end to a life she spent so long trying to shine, make better than what so much of our family had. Maybe she felt the need to prove to the world of her success; I don't think she failed.  

Maybe being less of something is not so bad. To be completely detached-to hide yourself away from the world and stifle emotion into urges of what should and should not be done-is never a good thing. But at the same time, to breathe and sit down and put your damn feet up and eat your damn sandwich because you damn well please to as well as feel like using the word damn...

It's nice. So much of what we think truly matters doesn't, really. I get a gnawing craving sensation when I haven't checked my email for a few days...what harm will become of me if I don't check ASAP? I might miss more junk mail? What's the fuss with all these smart phones? I like mine because I can drop that sucker many, many times and it won't break. It's handy for the most part and I don't want to trade it in.

But there are many things that do matter for me, and I guess these are defining things as good as any, if a person really needs definition. Regardless, a person will continue to just be.

But I think I want my blue pitcher and a library and a job where I have kind co-workers, or at least a place where I can work hard and be proud of myself. I want a cat and candles and to be healthy. I want to be a better person, a good Tia and Tante.

I want to live. I want to remember just how lucky I truly am, and not simply on my deathbed.

What I'm doing right now-binging, crying, scheming-is simply existing, and I don't like it very much. :(
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Almost half a year since I've updated. Huh. I'm not really sure where the will to post went, but it evaporated somewhere, right before summer break and summer school started. More and more time went by, and I just kind of got embarrassed by the growing time interval and kind of tucked it away.

(Melodramatic line is melodramatic) Like I did a lot of things. Projects I promised to start or finish, letters I never sent. This summer was probably not my best, but I got to meet a long-distance dear friend of mine as well as go home to Chicago for awhile. :heart: My sister got an adorable Golden Retriever puppy named Hero, and it was a very good visit overall. I miss my friends back in Illinois.

My Tia finally moved into her new place, and she has a boyfriend named Robert now. He's a quiet sort of guy, but he dotes on Star, and seems very nice. :) We'll be having Thanksgiving at her place this year, so I'm hoping there won't be a big catastrophe like last year.

Ashley's pregnant again. It looks like I'm going to be an aunt again in April. :star:

Had roommates over the summer...and the girls I'm staying with now are named Rachael and Chandler. I don't hang out with them too much, but we've never argued get along quite well most of the time.

Every day for five weeks, from 7-10, worked as a cast member in the production The Triangle Factory Fire (Sort of kind of have a reason for being MIA, not that anyone probably cares). It ended almost two weeks ago...now have a hollow space in my time that I feel should go to studying (or at least writing) but unfortunately the listlessness is creeping back on me and I think I need to find something else for me.

Seeing a new therapist. Didn't want to go back to therapy because I don't really think the approach I tried last year really DID anything, but am sort of trying (?) with Jeremy. No nights of wild sadness like in my freshman year, but summer very depressing because hardly productive and nights full of self-loathing.

I changed my major from Elementary Ed to English. Not sure how I feel about that.

Economics sucks. :( I love my theater teacher, who's probably one of the more hilarious people I've met here. Miss the North. Don't really want to go to school here anymore-my aunt won't be pleased about that. It'll be a troubling transition to move too, but I don't want to be here anymore.

Fell in love with a love story. Some extremely kind artists made fanart of my work. :thanks: Had a crush when I was in production and more or less got turned down, but at least I got to kiss him goodbye (on cheek).

I get to vote this year. I decided that I want to join the Peace Corps after college. I'd like to see Belgium. Don't feel like getting into anything like my normal journals-just want to clean the dishes, my room, and go to bed tonight without too many thoughts.

'Grow me a Garden of Roses' new favorite song. :heart:
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*Exhales*

Goodness, I am good at humiliating self. *Buries face in hands* Ugggh. Really sorry about that, everyone…just felt like screaming at awful moment. I was terrified to confide in my family and didn't have anyone I wanted to tell here. For those who commented, hugs and apologies. :heart:

I heard the wrong time and place for my US History final, and despite the time I put into studying (which, admittedly, was not as much as it could be), despite the fact that I have never missed a class, I will assuredly fail. Anna took me to see the professor in his office, and while he seemed sympathetic, he told me flat-out that I couldn't take the test another day. In all honesty, I was practically screaming with anguish in the halls, and am now seriously embarrassed, because Anna just brought over weird friend for weird hug and talk. Though am prepping for exam tomorrow, it was not entirely unwelcome. I need to learn to stop flying off the handle, though these things hurt. Am afraid to face the rest of my family, especially my Granny.

Am so disappointed in self….this is the second class I've failed in college. All because of a date. I feel sad and stupid and worthless right now, but Tia was very comforting when I called her to fess up. My cousin Shelby did the same thing yesterday, though her professor allowed her to take test, albeit at a reduced level. Can only hope for a D, but very unlikely. Am also worried about Health because I missed an ENTIRE section….and my earlier tests weren't that hot. Am just praying for a C. I don't know what happened to me this semester—I guess I just got complacent, and started to slide.

My aunt and I concluded that my professor is a jarhead, but have spent last week sort of in a daze, watching Hetalia and reading silly romance stories. Will explain about Hetalia in another journal entry soon…..technically, am violating my current no-Internet-entertainment-punishment, but wanted to straight this out. Yes, I am okay. I'm sorry.

As for the title, that will tie into my next journal. Want to stay longer, but need (sort of/kind of/make a passable attempt) to study. Will explain more later on.

Peace, love, and cheesecake, everyone.

-Lauren

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Featured

Hetalia Art Spread by World-at-peace, journal

Prufrock/Charlotte Brown/Water by World-at-peace, journal

Red Stones by World-at-peace, journal

A Garden of Roses by World-at-peace, journal

Let The Right One In by World-at-peace, journal