These Fragile Flames

My sister Julia is negative for Fragile X Syndrome. Thank God.

She and Kyle want to start trying to have children come March, while they're backpacking in New Zealand. So bizarre to think that by this time next year, I could very well have another niece or nephew on the way.

But then again, if I had learned last year what was coming in the dawning new year, I could honestly tell you I'd be too stunned to believe it. This New Year's Eve, I think I'll be waiting for the sunrise with an army helmet and some protective gear. Oy, vey.

With any luck, 2012 will be at least a fraction less crazy. 2009 was easily a tough one, 10 was pretty good....11 tough....hmm. I wonder if there's some sort of trend setting up. Even=Good, Odd=Bad?

2011 wasn't necessarily "bad," just painful-for me, and the people I love. Will raise my glass to you, my dears, come 2012, and wish you success and happiness in the coming new year.

Another Christmas come and gone. I got a TRUCKLOAD of clothes from my family, and not one, not two, not three, but FOUR pairs of shoes. O-o Whoa, nellie. I have not the faintest clue why-it's baffling me just a little. The clothes are lovely, and I'm certain the shoes will come in very handy (Though I don't have the foggiest idea why people insist on giving me 4+ pairs of shoes before and after school starts. ???? I have a difficult time understanding the shoe/purse fetish the women on both sides of my family have.)

It's not that I'm not grateful-far from it! The shoes were lovely. However, (I did feel guilty about splurging) I was happy to use my granny's gift card to buy some books from Amazon.

Christmas was quiet-on Christmas Eve, I actually elected to go with my brother-in-law's family and spend the night with them so that I could attend a candlelit Christmas Eve service. (Have never been to one before.) The choir was lovely, though the sermons were kind of tricky to pay attention to. My mind was going in a dozen different directions at once, and it was extremely frustrating.

Still, there's something about the lights darkening and a hundred candles slowly beginning to glow in a dim, musty church that seems magical. I might not have a definite religion-and perhaps never will-but as a very wise and dear friend of mine points out, faith doesn't equal religion.

Haven't prayed for days, and feel guilty about it, but again, seem to be weakening. Instead of writing, I find myself pondering the same things over and over, eating too much, and finding myself back in the bathroom. Unfortunately, despite my previous journal, depression and hopelessness got my number again. I overeat, and I draw my finger down my throat so that I "get rid of it." During a heart to heart I recently had with Julia, I learned she'd done the same thing in her modeling career.

What a sad thing it is!

Christmas was quiet. Woke up at Kyle's parents, got lots of clothes, and returned to Julia's place with Ashley and Alvaro, where Ashley accidentally set off the fire alarm. (Amazingly enough, Luca slept through it! The kid can sleep through a fire alarm, a car alarm, but starts crying when you pass his room on tiptoe. I don't get this kid.) Julia and Kyle went to Kyle's relatives home, and Ash/Alv put on the Bulls game. It seemed a bit lonely, but it wasn't really that bad. Later on that evening, we had an Italian rice dish and disfigured cookies that I had baked. (I've been doing a RIDICULOUS amount of baking lately-it's been absurd. The ones I made today are positively coated in frosting. Anyone want any Hawaiian hula dancing gingerbread men?)

I've stopped taking the antidepressants, for the most part. I took one this morning, just because yesterday was kind of difficult, but it's been days-maybe a week or two. They just didn't seem to help much-this might just be a blue day sort of thing.

Do NOT want to go back to John in a couple of weeks. I've had enough. It's either someone else, or I quit. I know I should probably keep going on, etc, etc, but Freshman year, round 1 was TOUGH. I need to rant or rave, I can always type or call up a friend (Who are amazingly long-suffering). I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

Have just been a little sad these last few days. Tomorrow, I'm going into the city with my friends, so am definitely looking forward to a day out. Keeping busy always helps.

~*~*~

A couple of days ago, with the urging of my sister and Tia, I went to see Ariel. I suggested we meet in Olive Garden-we might have an actual civil conversation after not seeing each other for over six months.

I should have known. Our last meeting was a locked door, tears, and being slammed against a wall. This meeting was an absolute disaster. Horrific. The only thing that kept us from screaming was the fact that we were in a public setting. It started out relatively pleasant, but of course, the conversation lead to my brother, and after my sister asked a few very pointed questions that got me increasingly upset, I made a stupid mistake: I got frustrated, and said some hideous things fueled by the recent blowback we'd suffered in court a couple of days beforehand. (More of that later.)

Ariel was smiling like the Cheshire Cat when she pulled out a tape recorder from the table.

......

I am not even kidding you. I was speechless.

A tape recorder?

Why?

Not too shortly after, we parted, and needlessly to say, not very happily. Ariel sardonically asked me as I was walking away why I hated her so much. My heart just about died, and I bitterly responded something dry, and headed off.

I think that meeting was helpful, in one sense. If one day, we can be distant but relatively friendly, I'll be grateful. If not, than at least I know we said goodbye.

My brother came with us for the evening, and after a difficult shopping trip and visit to my grandmother's house, went on a swim with Aaron. We swam twenty laps together-and while he was very keen to get home the next day, it was still good to see him.

Life is best as bittersweet.

~*~*~*~

In 2013, I plan on leaving for Montepulciano, Italy for a summer. I plan on exploring new colleges, getting an apartment, my license, and hopefully have a secure job. (Still keeping my fingers crossed for that Peer Instructor job....)

But as my Aunt likes to say, life is what happens when you make plans. Or in-between your plans. Something like that. Wasn't planning on being an aunt this time last year. Wasn't planning on struggling with an eating disorder, wasn't planning on having an annoying boy stalker (I.e, Barak), following me around campus, wasn't planning on becoming an avid House MD fan, wasn't planning on a lot of things. Like this cruddy journal entry.

But the unexpected and unplanned aren't never necessarily bad things.

As for the Fragile X syndrome, it'll be a couple of weeks before I know the results, and as for the Huntington's Disease test, I've decided to back down from this particular hurdle right now. They take the test in your home, (Withdraw blood) and you learn the results in little under a month after the blood is sent to a lab in Boston.

Fragile X simply means that if I want to have children, I'll have to adopt.

That's what I wanted to do, anyway.

As for Huntington's, I just want to stop thinking about it for awhile. I KNOW that won't change anything, or make it go away. The results were decided when I was born-they'll be the same tomorrow as they were today. I honestly have been in a place where I was looking at revolvers online, plotting to take my own life.

I just want a safe place to go to for awhile. I feel like a coward for hiding away, but I hope to return to Georgia in a couple of weeks happy, prepared, and ready to take on another year.

Or at least armed with a nice helmet.

Love always,

Lauren